Zuri in pilot
| Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka. Emma, Ravi, and Zuri are entering Camp Kikiwaka. | ||
|---|---|---|
| Emma: | Excuse me, sir. Can you have these delivered to my room? | |
| Gladys: | Geez! You don't shave your legs for one month, and suddenly you're a "sir." | |
| Emma: | I haven't even looked at your legs yet. | |
| Ravi: | Ravi Ross, a pleasure. You must be Ms. Gladys, the proprietor. Thank you for letting Mrs. Kipling come to camp. I assure you, the odds of her eating any campers are very remote. | |
| Zuri: | I would still hide the bite-size kids. | |
| Gladys: | Aren't there supposed to be four of you? | |
| Zuri: | Our brother, Luke, got stuck in summer school. Probably because he can't spell either of those words. | |
| Gladys: | Check cleared, don't care. Sign in with my niece. Hazel, these are the Rosses. I met your parents right here when we were 16. Your dad was a stone-cold fox. | |
| Zuri: | Could've gone my whole life without hearing that. | |
| Hazel: | My aunt's always talking about your mom. She hates her. | |
| Gladys: | With every bone in my body, including my artificial hip. I loved your father, but your mom stole him from me. Plus the title of "Best Counselor," and any chance I ever had at having a happy life! | |
| Emma: | No offense, but you guys are the worst welcoming committee ever. Note to self, start digging escape tunnel tonight. | |
| Gladys: | By the way, phones aren't allowed at camp. Hand it over. | |
| Emma: | No! Back off, mister! | |
| Interior. The Wood Chuck's cabin. | ||
| Emma: | Oh. | |
| Tiffany: | [shushing] I'm studying for the national spelling bee! If I don't win, my mom won't let me come home. My brother lost last year, and I haven't seen him in 10 months. | |
| Lou: | Welcome! I'm Lou, camp counselor and head Woodchuck in charge! | |
| Emma: | I'm Emma. I'd hug you back, but you just separated my shoulder. | |
| Lou: | Oops! My bad. We'll make you a sling in arts and crafts. So, you're my new counselor in training? Let the training begin. Sit! Jk! | |
| Emma: | [sighs] | |
| Lou: | No, seriously. Sit, or you're goin' in the crate! JK again! I'm all about the JKs! Lol! | |
| Emma: | OMG! | |
| Lou: | So, how many years of camp experience do you have? | |
| Emma: | None. | |
| Lou: | But you like kids, right? | |
| Emma: | Not really. They're sticky. | |
| Lou: | So why do you want to be a camp counselor? | |
| Emma: | Oh, I don't. But my mom thought it would be good for me. I guess she was some sort of super counselor, so now she expects me to live up to that. | |
| Lou: | Good luck! Christina Ross is a legend around here. They say she could assemble a s'more in two seconds flat, and her dream catchers actually caught dreams! | |
| Gladys: | She caught mine! | |
| Emma: | And mine! I should be in Milan for Fashion Week, but instead I'm stuck here picking bugs out of my teeth! | |
| Lou: | Nature's popcorn. Speaking of fashion, I hate to brag, but I'm a cover girl. | |
| Emma: | Really? | |
| Lou: | Yep. Four-H Digest. The big fall flea and tick issue. | |
| Zuri: | If we run fast enough, we might be able to catch the limo. | |
| Interior. The Grizzly's cabin. | ||
| Ravi: | Greetings, bunk mate! | |
| Xander: | Hey!Uh... Whoa! Uh, I think that alligator thingy ate your pet. | |
| Ravi: | That alligator thingy is my pet. | |
| Xander: | Oh, that explains the cage. I just thought we were getting a really creepy kid. | |
| Ravi: | Ravi Gupta Balasubramanium Ross, your new CIT eagerly reporting for duty, sir! | |
| Xander: | I'm Xander. | |
| Ravi: | Oh. So what are the cabin rules? | |
| Xander: | I'm not really big on rules. Except always wear shower shoes. I once got fungus so bad, I lost a toenail. But it's cool, 'cause now I use it as a guitar pick. | |
| Ravi: | You know those cost, like, five cents, right? | |
| Jorge: | Hey, dudes! I'm Jorge. Mind if I take this bunk? | |
| Ravi: | Actually, that is my... | |
| Jorge: | Dude, listen. You want me to sleep downwind! Especially on burrito night. I once had a 23-minute fart! | |
| Ravi: | That seems medically impossible. | |
| Xander: | Although handy if we go hot-air ballooning. | |
| Jorge: | That's why the aliens abducted me. I'm special. | |
| Ravi: | Well, parts of you clearly are. So let me guess. The aliens probed you? | |
| Jorge: | Of course not! They just invited me for brunch. You're weird. | |
| Exterior. Xander playing the guitar. | ||
| Hazel: | Xander, that was awesome! Can I have your pick? | |
| Xander: | Sure. | |
| Lou: | Then during free time tomorrow, we can dive for mud dabs, and connect your mosquito bites to see what shape they make! Look, mine make Abe Lincoln! | |
| Emma: | [gasps] Whoa! That supes cute guy is here and you led with mud dabs? | |
| Lou: | Where did that wind come from? | |
| Xander: | Whoa! I think I'm in love. | |
| Hazel: | Finally! Let's get married after the tetherball tournament! | |
| Xander: | Hi, I'm Xander. | |
| Emma: | I'm Emma. | |
| Hazel: | I'm nauseous | |
| Lou: | Ooh! Looks like Cupid just shot an arrow. | |
| Hazel: | I hope it goes in her eye and out her ear. | |
| Lou: | Little Woodchuck wisdom, don't go to the archery range with her. | |
| Gladys: | Campers, welcome to Camp Kikiwaka! Except for you, Timmy. Your parents' check bounced. You can sleep by the front gate. Hopefully, they'll pick you up in the morning. Ki-ki-wa-ka! | |
| All: | Ki-ki-wa-ka! Ki-ki-wa-ka! Ki-ki-wa-ka! | |
| Ravi: | Okay, this is a cult. Taxi! | |
| Gladys: | We pay homage to Kikiwaka, the giant, ravenous demon beast who roams these woods! | |
| Zuri: | Say what now? | |
| Gladys: | Ki-ki-wa-ka! Hear me and leave these campers in peace! | |
| Emma: | Did she just say "in pieces"? | |
| Gladys: | With the blessing of Kikiwaka, our summer revels commence! Remember to pick up your trash. | |
| Zuri: | Tiffany, aren't you scared of the Kikiwaka? | |
| Tiffany: | Nope. Nothing's scarier than my mom if I don't get an A. | |
| Hazel: | Listen, cheekbones, Xander is mine. | |
| Xander: | No, I'm not! | |
| Hazel: | So you should go back to New York before one of those long legs ends up in a bear trap. See you at the friendship circle. | |
| Lou: | She's not really good with new people. Or old people. Or any people. | |
| Gladys over PA:: | Attention, campers! Time for the obstacle course. The winning cabin gets to have a pizza party, while I just continue the obstacle course that is my life. | |
| Emma: | Is archery part of the obstacle course? | |
| Lou: | Nope. | |
| Jorge: | Ravi, what are you doing? | |
| Ravi: | Obviously, as your counselor-in-training, I am demonstrating what not to do. | |
| Jorge: | Dude, you're embarrassing Grizzly Cabin! And men in general! | |
| Xander: | I think Ravi's doing great, considering he could barely pick up his egg for the egg race. | |
| Ravi: | It was a jumbo! What do they feed those chickens? | |
| Zuri: | Whoo-hoo! That was fun. | |
| TIffany: | Fun? Forget fun! Focus! Thanks to your pathetic performance on this bouncy house, our cabin is behind! | |
| Zuri: | Tiffany, it's just a game. Who cares? | |
| Tiffany: | I care! Because if we don't win "best cabin," then I can't win "best camper," and if I don't win "best camper," I won't get into Harvard, which means I won't get into Harvard Medical School, which means I'll never become a top doctor, which will kill my mother! Do you want to kill my mother? | |
| Zuri: | No, but I do want to talk to her about her parenting skills. | |
| Hazel: | So Woodchuck Cabin is losing, Your campers are turning on each other... great leadership, Emma! | |
| Lou: | She is a good leader! Just ask our campers. | |
| Tiffany: | Which one's Emma again? | |
| Hazel: | You should just go home now. As a CIT, you're DOA. | |
| Lou: | She is not! She has legendary counselor Christina Ross' blood running through her veins! | |
| Emma: | And I'd like to keep it there, so let's not get the girl with access to arrows angry. Ah! Look, I'm doing it! | |
| Lou: | That's my bunk buddy, people! | |
| Hazel: | Hey, Emma, catch! Let's see how Xander likes Little Miss Perfect now. | |
| Xander: | Emma! Emma, are you okay? | |
| Emma: | Well, I'm better than those worms I just fell on. Oh. | |
| Lou: | A pretty girl covered in mud, and you thought he wasn't going to like that? What's next? You hand her a tray of hot wings and have her turn on football? | |
| Interior. The Wood Chuck's cabin. | ||
| Emma: | I can't believe there's still mud in my ears. | |
| Zuri: | Lucky you. At least you don't have to listen to Tiffany's violin. Give it a rest! | |
| Tiffany: | Stop screaming at Violet! She's very high-strung! | |
| Emma: | Today was a disaster. Instead of being a super counselor like Mom, I'm the lamest CIT ever. | |
| Lou: | You are not! You're much better than my last CIT, Tammy. She took the kids to pet the hibernating bears. | |
| Emma: | Bears don't hibernate in the summer. | |
| Lou: | Exactly! It was a lot of paperwork. | |
| Emma: | Okay... But I was humiliated in front of the whole camp. Plus, Hazel's never going to let Xander near me. | |
| Lou: | At least not while you're still breathing. Sorry, that sounded much more supportive in my head. | |
| Emma: | Yay! Xander sent me a text on paper! | |
| Lou: | Think that's called a note. | |
| Emma: | He wants me to sneak out tonight and meet him at The Spot! | |
| Lou: | Whoo-wee! The Spot is the place in the woods where the kids go to... You know. | |
| Zuri: | Get electrocuted? | |
| Tiffany: | You can't sneak out! That could give our cabin demerits! | |
| Lou: | So? | |
| Tiffany: | So, that goes on my permanent record! | |
| Zuri: | It's camp! The only permanent records they keep are how many kids get diarrhea from the lousy food! Uh-oh! I think it's about to be one more. | |
| Exterior. The Spot. | ||
| Emma: | Would you please go back to the cabin? | |
| Zuri: | Not happening! I don't know what's more toxic, Tiffany's attitude, or what I left in that toilet! | |
| Emma: | Are you okay? | |
| Zuri: | What made this giant footprint? | |
| Emma: | Uh, a giant foot, duh. I'm really hoping that's your stomach. | |
| Zuri: | Nope. | |
| Emma: | Do you think it's the Kikiwaka? | |
| Zuri: | I don't know. Why don't you stay here and ask it? | |
| Jorge: | Yes! I win! | |
| Ravi: | No, you do not. You moved the table. | |
| Jorge: | Hey, all's fair in love and pool. | |
| Ravi: | That is not a saying. | |
| Jorge: | It is on planet Zorb. Dude, why are you such a buzzkill? | |
| Ravi: | I am not a killer of the buzz! As your counselor-in-training, it is my duty to teach you to follow the rules! | |
| Xander: | Bro, you just defined "buzzkill". | |
| Hazel: | Hey, Xander. I made you hot wings. Want a bite? | |
| Xander: | I don't think she's talking about the wings. | |
| Lou: | Come on! Come on! | |
| Tiffany: | Lou, I don't have time to play foosball! I need to finish my college applications! | |
| Lou: | That's seven years from now! | |
| Tiffany: | I'm applying really early admission. | |
| Lou: | Xander? You're supposed to be with Emma. Why are you here? | |
| Hazel: | Because he'd rather be with me. | |
| Xander: | I never said that! Did anybody hear me say that? | |
| Lou: | Emma went to The Spot because you sent her that note telling her to meet you there. | |
| Xander: | I didn't send her any note. | |
| Lou: | Uh-oh. This Woodchuck smells a rat. | |
| Ravi: | Oh, that is Jorge. He refuses to shower. | |
| Lou: | Gee, who would want to send Emma out into the woods? I'm looking at you, Hazel. Right where your soul should be! | |
| Tiffany: | Emma's not alone. She's with Zuri. That's right, Violet. That mean little girl is gone. | |
| Hazel: | Why don't you all leave, so Xander and I can play a little nine ball? Rack 'em! | |
| Xander: | No! There will be no racking! We have to go find Emma and Zuri! | |
| Hzel: | Oh , okay. Let's use the buddy system. I pick Xander! | |
| Exterior. The spot. | ||
| All: | Emma! Zuri! | |
| Jorge: | Uh-oh. I see something really scary! | |
| Tiffany: | Is it my mom? | |
| Jorge: | No. It's a giant footprint. | |
| Xander: | Shh! | |
| All: | [Screaming] | |
| Lou: | [carrying Ravi] Wow, you are lighter than a chicken, and their bones are hollow! | |
| Xander: | Ow! Emma! | |
| Emma: | Xander! | |
| Hazel: | Yay, we found her. | |
| Ravi: | I still cannot believe you sent my sister's off into the woods to become Kikiwaka kebabs. | |
| Zuri: | You sent Emma that note? | |
| Emma: | [scoffs] So, first you shoot an arrow at me, then you knock me into the mud, and then you send me off into the woods to die? [scoffs] I'm starting to think you don't like me. | |
| Xander: | It's coming! Get up the tree! | |
| All: | Ahh! | |
| Hazel: | Xander and Hazel sittin' in a tree. | |
| Lou: | G-A-G-G-I-N-G. | |
| Tiffany: | No one told me there was gonna be a spelling bee! | |
| Jorge: | [speaking Spanish] Don't take me now god! I am so close to puberty! | |
| Tiffany: | [speaking Mandarin] I should have told my mom to back off! | |
| Ravi: | [speaking Hindi] We are doomed! | |
| Emma: | Ugh, Ravi, we are not doomed! | |
| Xander: | You understood him? | |
| Emma: | Ravi panics a lot, so I've picked up a little Hindi. | |
| All: | [screaming] | |
| Emma: | Okay, look, everyone needs to calm down. I'm going to get us out of this! | |
| Hazel: | Why should we listen to you, you boyfriend snatcher? | |
| Emma: | Because everything you've put me through has taught me I'm tougher than I thought. Now, let's scare this thing off! | |
| Lou: | Good idea! Hazel, go down and ask it for a date. | |
| Hazel: | Xandy, are you going to let them talk about me like that? | |
| Xander: | Yes. I would high five them if I weren't so afraid to let go of this branch. | |
| Emma: | Okay, we know animals are scared of bright lights... | |
| Ravi: | Oh! We all have flashlights! | |
| Emma: | Oh! | |
| Ravi: | You all have flashlights! | |
| Emma: | We also know they hate loud, annoying noises. | |
| Zuri: | Like Tiffany's violin! Sorry. | |
| Lou: | And sometimes offensive odors will drive animals off! | |
| All: | Jorge's farts! | |
| Jorge: | I'm on it! | |
| Emma: | Okay, all in favor of attacking this thing, instead of just sitting here waiting to be eaten, say "Aye!" | |
| All: | Aye! [screaming] | |
| Tiffany: | [screeches violin] | |
| Jorge: | [farts] | |
| All: | [coughs] | |
| Jorge: | Is it gone? | |
| Lou: | After that fart, there's nothing alive within 100 miles. | |
| Ravi: | I cannot focus my eyes! | |
| Tiffany: | That was superior screeching, Zuri Ross. | |
| Zuri: | Thanks, Tiff. And your violin never sounded better. | |
| Xander: | Emma, your plan worked! | |
| Lou: | Way to be a leader, Woodchuck. I think your mom would be really proud of you. | |
| Emma: | Thank you, Lou. | |
| Lou: | Don't you agree, Hazel? | |
| Hazel: | Maybe. But don't get cocky. Remember, I'm the head counselor here, so what I say goes. Follow me! | |
| Lou: | Camp's the other way. | |
| Hazel: | I knew that! | |
| Gladys: | Geez, you try to have a little fun by terrorizing some campers, and you get a pinecone to the head. I hate kids! | |
| Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka. | ||
| Emma: | Okay, I think I've got it. [chittering rhythmically] | |
| Lou: | Perfect! [chittering rhythmically] Aww! My little Woodchuck's all grown up! | |
| Emma: | You know, my mom was right. I think this is going to be a pretty good summer. | |
| Lou: | Wait till I teach you how to give a porcupine a French braid. Hurts like heck, but they look so darn adorable! | |
| Gladys: | Attention, campers! I have been informed that there was a Kikiwaka close encounter last night. All: Whoa! I haven't had a close encounter since last July 4th at the Moose Lodge. I'm so lonely! | |
| Zuri: | Oh! That was one unlucky moose. | |
| Ravi: | We encountered the Kikiwaka! That was us. | |
| Gladys: | And for the last ding dang time, it is one thing to pee in the lake, but it is completely unacceptable to leave a number two in a canoe! | |
| Jorge: | What? The signs around here are really confusing. | |
| Gladys: | So instead, we'll be racing inner tubes today. Last person to the lake has to clean the canoe! | |
| Xander: | ♪ Here we go ♪ ♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪ |
Xander:
Uh, Hazel, three's a crowd. |
| Hazel: | Oh, did you hear that, Emma? Get lost. | |
| Emma: | You already tried that last night, remember? | |
| Lou: | Wow, last time the bonfire was this big, Gladys had dropped her canteen in it. | |
| Zuri: | That's because I threw in all of Tiffany's flashcards. | |
| Tiffany: | What? | |
| Zuri: | I'm going to make sure you have fun this summer, if it's the last thing I ever do. | |
| Tiffany: | If my mom hears about this, it will be. Although it might be nice to have a little fun for a change. | |
| Zuri: | Great! Tonight, I'll teach you how to hollow out your mattress to hide stuff. With your book smarts and my street smarts, we're going to rule this camp! | |
| Ravi: | Oh! Jorge, move back! You are supposed to melt the marshmallow, not your face. | |
| Jorge: | Hey, compared to what the aliens did to me, that would be nothing. After brunch, it got ugly. | |
| Zuri: | Hey, guys, do you think the Kikiwaka's gonna come back tonight? | |
| Ravi: | Not if he knows Jorge had burritos for dinner. | |
| Gladys: | Ha! Dopey kids. They'll believe anything. | |
| Campers: | ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka |
♪ |