| Opens up on the camp site, as Emma, Ravi, Mr. Kipling and Zuri walk in with their bags. | |
| Emma | (walks into camp, struggling with her bags) Excuse me, sir. Can you have these delivered to my room? |
| Gladys | Geez! You don't shave your legs for one month, and suddenly you're a "sir." |
| Emma | I haven't even looked at your legs yet. (looks down at Gladys' legs and then looks back up) |
| Ravi | (holds out hand for Gladys to shake) Ravi Ross, a pleasure. You must be Ms. Gladys, the proprietor. Thank you for letting Mrs. Kipling come to camp. (Mrs. Kipling hisses) I assure you, the odds of her eating any campers are very remote. |
| Zuri | I would still hide the bite-size kids. |
| Gladys | Aren't there supposed to be four of you? |
| Zuri | Our brother, Luke, got stuck in summer school. Probably because he can't spell either of those words. |
| Gladys | Check cleared, don't care. Sign in with my niece. (leads the Rosses over to a table with a blonde girl sitting at it) (To Hazel:) Hazel, these are the Rosses. (To the Rosses:) I met your parents right here when we were 16. Your dad was a stone-cold fox. (growls) |
| Zuri | (whispers) Could've gone my whole life without hearing that. |
| Hazel | My aunt's always talking about your mom. She hates her. |
| Gladys | With every bone in my body, including my artificial hip. I loved your father, but your mom stole him from me. Plus the title of "Best Counselor," and any chance I ever had at having a happy life! |
| Emma | No offense, but you guys are the worst welcoming committee ever. (takes out phone) Note to self, start digging escape tunnel tonight. |
| Gladys | By the way, phones aren't allowed at camp.Hand it over. (grabs Emma's phone) |
| Emma | (Scoffs) No! Back off, mister! (tugs on her phone, as Hazel and Gladys tries to get it out of her hands) |
| Cut to the Woodchucks cabin, as Zuri and Emma enter. Tiffany is sitting on a bed surrounded by books. | |
| Tiffany | (Shushes the Rosses) I'm studying for the national spelling bee! If I don't win, my mom won't let me come home. My brother lost last year, and I haven't seen him in 10 months. |
| Lou | Welcome! I'm Lou, camp counselor and head Woodchuck in charge! (does the woodchuck sign and hugs Emma, lifting her up) |
| Emma | I'm Emma. I'd hug you back, but you just separated my shoulder. |
| Lou | (releases Emma) Oops! My bad. We'll make you a sling in arts and crafts. So, you're my new counselor in training? Let the training begin. Sit! (Emma sits) Jk! (laughs, and then sighs as Emma stood up) No, seriously. Sit, or you're goin' in the crate! (Emma sits again) JK again! I'm all about the JKs! Lol! OMG! (sits on Emma's bunk) So, how many years of camp experience do you have? |
| Emma | None. |
| Lou | But you like kids, right? |
| Emma | Not really. They're sticky. |
| Lou | So why do you want to be a camp counselor? |
| Emma | Oh, I don't. But my mom thought it would be good for me. I guess she was some sort of super counselor, so now she expects me to live up to that. |
| Lou | Good luck! Christina Ross is a legend around here. They say she could assemble a s'more in two seconds flat, and her dream catchers actually caught dreams! |
| Gladys | (from outside the window) She caught mine! (walks away) |
| Emma | (stands up) And mine! I should be in Milan for Fashion Week, but instead I'm stuck here picking bugs out of my teeth! |
| Lou | (stands up and snaps fingers) Nature's popcorn. Speaking of fashion, I hate to brag, but I'm a cover girl. |
| Emma | Really? |
| Lou | Yep! Four-H Digest. The big fall flea and tick issue. (does a pose) |
| Zuri | If we run fast enough, we might be able to catch the limo. |
| Cuts to Grizzly cabin, where a Xander is playing basketball. | |
| Ravi | (walks in with Mrs. Kipling) Greetings, bunk mate! |
| Xander | Hey! (spots Mrs. Kipling) Uh...Whoa! Uh, I think that alligator thingy ate your pet. |
| Ravi | That alligator thingy is my pet. |
| Xander | Oh, that explains the cage. (gestures to the cage behind him) I just thought we were getting a really creepy kid. |
| Mrs. Kipling | (Slithers into the cage.) |
| Ravi | Ravi Gupta Balasubramanium Ross, your new CIT eagerly reporting for duty, sir! (holds out hand) |
| Xander | (shakes Ravi's hand) I'm Xander. |
| Ravi | Oh. So what are the cabin rules? |
| Xander | I'm not really big on rules. Except always wear shower shoes. I once got fungus so bad, I lost a toenail. But it's cool, 'cause now I use it as a guitar pick. (holds up his toenail) |
| Ravi | You know those cost, like, five cents, right? |
| Jorge | Hey, dudes! I'm Jorge. Mind if I take this bunk? (throws Ravi's bag off of a bunk) |
| Ravi | Actually, that is my- |
| Jorge | Dude, trust me. You want me to sleep downwind! Especially on burrito night. I once had a 23-minute fart! |
| Ravi | That seems medically impossible. |
| Xander | Although handy if we go hot-air ballooning. |
| Jorge | That's why the aliens abducted me. I'm special. |
| Ravi | Well, parts of you clearly are. So let me guess. The aliens probed you? |
| Jorge | Of course not! They just invited me for brunch. You're weird. |
| Cut to a bonefire at the camp, where Xander is finishing playing a little tune on his guitar | |
| Hazel | Xander, that was awesome! Can I have your pick? |
| Xander | Sure (hands Hazel his guitar pick, which is his toenail) |
| Hazel | (takes pick and kisses it) |
| Ravi | (gags from a distance) |
| Lou | (walks out of cabin with Emma) Then during free time tomorrow, we can dive for mud dabs, and connect your mosquito bites to see what shape they make! (lists shorts up) Look, mine make Abe Lincoln! |
| Emma | (catches sight of Xander and gasps) That supes cute guy is here and you led with mud dabs? (turns around, and wind blows her hair back) |
| Lou | Where did that wind come from? |
| Xander | Whoa! I think I'm in love. |
| Hazel | Finally! Let's get married after the tetherball tournament! (stands up with Xander and leans in for a kiss) |
| Xander | (ignores Hazel and walks up to Emma) Hi, I'm Xander. |
| Emma | I'm Emma. |
| Hazel | I'm nauseous. |
| Lou | Ooh! Looks like Cupid just shot an arrow. |
| Hazel | I hope it goes in her eye and out her ear. |
| Lou | (runs up to Emma) Little Woodchuck wisdom, don't go to the archery range with her. |
| Gladys | (blows whistle and steps up onto a tree stump.) Campers, welcome to Camp Kikiwaka! Except for you, Timmy. Your parents' check bounced. You can sleep by the front gate. Hopefully, they'll pick you up in the morning. (two campers take Timmy and carry hims away. A camper puts a bear coat on her as Hazel handed her a tambourine) Ki-ki-wa-ka! |
| Campers | Ki-ki-wa-ka! |
| Gladys | (spins around) Ki-ki-wa-ka! |
| Campers | (spins around) Ki-ki-wa-ka! |
| Ravi | Okay, this is a cult. (stands up) Taxi! |
| Gladys | We pay homage to Kikiwaka, the giant, ravenous demon beast who roams these woods! |
| Zuri | Say what now? |
| Gladys | Ki-ki-wa-ka! Hear me and leave these campers in peace! |
| Emma | Did she just say "in pieces"? |
| Gladys | With the blessing of Kikiwaka, our summer revels commence! (drops bear coat on the ground) Remember to pick up your trash. (walks away) |
| Zuri | Tiffany, aren't you scared of the Kikiwaka? |
| Tiffany | Nope. Nothing's scarier than my mom if I don't get an A. |
| Hazel | (to Emma:) Listen, cheekbones, Xander is mine. |
| Xander | No, I'm not. |
| Hazel | So you should go back to New York before one of those long legs ends up in a bear trap. See you at the friendship circle. (walks away) |
| Lou | (sighs) She's not really good with new people. Or old people. Or any people. |
| Cuts to the next day, at the obstacle course | |
| Gladys | (over the P.A.) Attention, campers! Time for the obstacle course. The winning cabin gets to have a pizza party, while I just continue the obstacle course that is my life. |
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